Journal entry: 4/30/09
I have been driving down these old dirt roads hidden in the Georgia forests and swamps. We sit by a campfire each night and tell our stories; stories of our favorite memory, our worst memory, the best day of our lives……it has been an amazing journey. It is a miraculous feeling….to witness someone baring their soul to a group that is relatively full of strangers. We are the misfits that don’t really fit into the picket-fenced military housing; the spouses that are forgotten; the ones no one misses….
It is so hard to explain inner torture to someone who has never experienced a terrifying moment in their lifetime. People always want to know what I’m running from, but I’ve come to wonder if I’m running to something. I feel like I’m going fucking insane….the faster I drive, the more miles I put between me and that soldier, losing more and more of myself every day. It’s exhausting.
I had so many dreams…big goddamn dreams…
How do you wake up next to a person and realize that they are completely unaware of who you are, or what you want, or what you desire? You go through the motions so many times a day, each week, every year…..and before you know it you are locked in to a “family” with two kids who don’t deserve to see or hear the things they have. And I can’t lie and say every day is misery, because you adapt to your surroundings. Shit, that’s just human nature. You put on a smile, you freshen up your mascara and you go out and play the part. All the while you imagine a life so very different from what you have.
Does every person get a fairy tale? Is everyone deserving of the ‘American Dream’? Or, do you settle for the best you can do and just deal with it?
Best memory: Standing at a Pepsi machine, an old one, with my Papaw….I had to be under 5 since he died when I was that age; I remember him handing me that ice cold, fizzy glass bottle. I don’t know where we were but I remember that.
Worst memory: Letting go of the love of your life….never saying ‘good-bye’. I remain heartbroken to this day.
Best day of my life: The birth of my first child, my son, my Jordan….the moment I looked into his eyes I was engulfed in love.
Worst day of my life: The back of a shitty truck, with shitty pillows laid out, shitty music, shitty dude…..shitty day.