There is a moment in my lifetime that only myself, him and Allah know about. I have never mentioned or discussed this time period with anyone on this Earth until now. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to actually apologize for my actions, but in some strange way I’m hoping he’s led to this through divine intervention.
Written: 09/22/10 This day marks eight years since last seeing your face. I thought with each passing day I would start to forget your voice, or the smell of your cologne or the aroma of your patchouli candles; but the days don't give me any kind of reprieve. Your '94 Chevy sounded like a freight train coming down the street and there are times when I'm sitting here and I hear a loud car I think perhaps I am still in that moment with you and that I'm finally able to run away with you; I rush to the door, but it's just an empty street. I remember the first time we were alone together, in the break room at work, it was so clear that we were meant for one another and we both knew it. And in time the others knew it too. But an unfortunate error in timing held us apart, knowing the dreams we wouldn't achieve. The time spent away from you seemed to crawl, I couldn't wait to walk into the doors at work and see your face. You were magnetic. Fantastic. Majestic. Perfect. I'd never known a man such as you, so loyal to his wife and children, so ready to walk away from "forever" with me. When we went out with the others, my eyes caught your glances....you thought you were so slick. I slipped off to the restroom, emerged into the dim lit hallway and saw your golden hair. There was no one around and it was quiet, you leaned and whispered; "If I run would you leave with me?" We agreed to meet in the parking lot on Sunday the 22nd; you had explained what had happened to your wife and I was going to leave my spouse behind...he deserved none of my words. We would drive until we came across a place we could live out our own life, a place where no one knew our deceit. I tried....goddamn it I tried. I had my bags packed, I had my bank account drained. I sat in my car, arguing with myself about what to do. How could I leave my whole life behind, leave my son? No one would know where I went, no one would know who I was with...I could just be content in being your sweet. The tears were streaming down my face, the sound of my heart splitting was like a thunderclap. I told you I'd never hurt you, but I did. I'm so sorry for breaking your heart, so sorry for not being there. I still wake up from my dreams and I reach to see if you're beside me. Regret is the only thing from our time together that I hang on to. No intimate touches to remember, no photos of us to look at; all I have is the letter you sent me years later and the one kiss we shared; the moment you leaned in while we smoked a joint in my backseat. I will love you forever, the only "you" that I know. I've seen your family in some pictures and I know you're where you are supposed to be, with your wife and those kids. I would have only hurt you, your love would have only carried me for a little while; I have only learned how to mistreat. I'm sure the pain I've experienced is some sort of revenge for you, something that the universe owes you. I'd take every ounce of it all over again in order to keep the sound of your voice in my head or the way your blue eyes looked when you said that you would never love someone like you loved me. Any time I hear Pink Floyd your face appears in my mind, the way you'd smile when you'd sing the verses...you are the first man to show me that a woman can feel loved without ever being touched and for the brief moment in time we shared I was free, I was happy and I was loved. You will always be my retreat.