Written: 8/6/2012 Being the secret on the side may not be appealing to most of you, but what you need to remember is that I told you "Baby, it's what I do". When I tell you that I love you it makes you want to start a life, when I tell you that I love you it means I'd prefer you say "Goodnight." I watched y'all pick your prey, I studied those lies you sold to bitches. Tasted that sweet control, the sounds of your begging is delicious. Once a woman holds the soul of a man in her teeth, she craves the bite. A real woman freshes up her face and raises her kids alone, alright. One of you managed to make it legal, thought that would cure infidelity. I wore that beaded white gown, every word was simply out of necessity. I told you I'd be trouble, but I can front you a marriage for Army pay. Your hand may strike my face now, but my smiles will surround your grave There are times I want to call you all and apologize for words I said. I know I ruined some lives, but enough was said when you shared my bed. Countless white walls, empty words, room service and cheap wine. I've become entirely too good at smiling while I'm dying inside. When I see you, I'll ignore you completely and I ask you do the same. Kiss your wife and act the part, we both know the last place you came. I'll keep pouring down these drinks, taking these emotion-killing pills, It makes it easier to leave a stranger at 4am, saddled with all the bills I pray to whoever holds the cure to my soul, I need that savior soon, I've lost sight of who I am, every man I've loved, they're gone too.
“Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.” 1 Corinthians 6:18
4/26/16 This was a hard journal entry to acknowledge and put on here for you all to see. When I read my older journal notes or I see a scribbled sentence I wrote someplace, it’s hard to forget the difficulty in living in utter despair. I spent so many years living a lie with a man who was the superior in all things evil. I had planned to end my marriage once I realized that there was no love between us, but I didn’t. I decided to have a life of total secrets that no one, other than the Lord and the men, knew about. I wanted to tell my best friend so many times, ask for advice on whether to leave or how to make it work….I could never find the words. I chose to think, at that time, that I was above “feelings” and that falling asleep alone every night wasn’t a big deal, but I fuckin’ needed it. I’d search for it in anyone, try to see if they held the quality that would be the end all. The funny thing is I wrote this poem in my journal about 2 months before I met Shane. And I know people, myself included, like to say “Oh once someone cheats they’ll always cheat”, but that’s so far from the truth. If I could erase the evidence of my adultery I would, because it wasn’t me who was hurt, it was Rusty and the wives of some of those men. I was too lost to see that what I was doing was like a drug addiction, just less visible. When people try to attach feelings to every encounter it becomes a very tricky tightrope walk. I want to make sure that it’s clear; since the day I met him I have not thought of, looked at or desired any other man. I have told Shane that it’d be hard to trust me if I was him, but he knows…..he knows he is my savior. Ask the Lord and you shall receive.