Journal entry: 10/25/12

I was no longer my former self, I was a shattered, battered, tattered version of what I used to be. I had become torn between being what a good woman should be and having the kind of fun that a good woman doesn’t have. I can’t put all the blame on the men that hurt me because that would be unfair; I had hurt them along the way as well. There are some moments that I look back on and wonder if I would have acted more like a lady could the situation have ended differently…if I hadn’t tried to so hard to be unloving and keep my true feelings hidden within could I have been happier at an earlier point in my life? But I can’t act like some of it wasn’t an absolute thrill because that, again, would be a lie. There have been times that I’ve been asked how I could do the things I did, how I could hurt the people I’ve hurt, how I could live the way I was living….I don’t have an answer that would satisfy the person asking. The things I’ve done in my lifetime may send me to Hell, and that scares me, but it has been done and I try not to hate myself for that. I’ve been called a whore, slut, bitch, coward, hateful…those words don’t bother me, because I have been all of those things, without apology. Is it my actions you don’t like or is the  fact that you’ve never had the courage to do them?

  • Have you ever felt the touch of a magnificent man, that you don’t really even know? Trying to think back years later and you can’t even remember their name? To make love to a stranger is the topic of the best novels and love songs; to know that you will never see this person again….and somehow it’s alright.
  • Have you ever driven down a dirt road at 100mph? Knowing that at any moment you could spin out of control….people would compare it to your life. But the feeling of wind blowing through your hair makes you feel like you’re flying….and shit, there isn’t anything like that feeling.
  • Have you ever loved a person that belonged to someone else? You spend a few sacred moments with them, hidden away from the world for just a second. A stolen kiss in a hallway or brushing their hand as you walk by. You see them laughing and talking in a group that includes their wife and you wish for time to stop and replace her with you. You’d give up anything to be the one he takes home and watches re-runs with. But the heartbreak of knowing it’ll never be you somehow makes you stronger.
  • Have you ever held your newborn child and known that you didn’t have a fucking clue as to how you ended up here? Looking into the eyes of your child and trying not to hate that part of them that belongs to the piece of shit you reproduced with, man….that’ll make you feel like an asshole. Every time you have to teach them a lesson, read them a book, sing them a song, drive them to practice, go to teacher conferences, kiss their wounds, make them dinner, buy them clothes…..every single time you have to do it on your own it kills you little bit more.
  • Have you ever been hit by someone you loved? There are no words to describe it.
  • Have you ever used drugs to calm the demons that live within you? Have you gone through the motions of a day, just because you have to, and all the while you have this intense ache within your soul. You load a needle, you roll a joint, you take a pill, you knock back a few shots, you snort some powder, you abuse your body….and it never helps, it NEVER helps….but you keep doing it because for a brief moment you are at peace. And in the end all those things become your undoing.
  • Have you ever hurt so much that you wish Death would come and just get it over with? Have you felt physical pain so strong that you were certain you’re body would just quit working? There is a level of pain that can only be described by those who’ve felt it….the pain of waking up and knowing you are no longer a complete person.

Please, please don’t say you understand me…..because unless you have done the things I listed above there’s no possible way for you to ever know. And there’s no possible way for me to ever know you….but I am envious of you. If I could go back and begin again I’d do it just like you.

 

 

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