Journal entry: 3/14/14

So, I had a scope done today to determine if my ulcers are healing with
the aid of the medication…

I could hear Dr. Selzer talking with my mom, but I couldn't hear what he
was saying, just the sound of his voice. I knew it must have not been 
good news because I could hear her start to sob, which kind of made my
heart sink, cause I knew that means he's going to tell me that he's going
to remove my stomach. We've discussed it in the past but I always sort of
brushed it off because, frankly, it seems ridiculous to me. Regardless…he
came in not too long ago and said exactly that…

I haven't quite allowed it to sink in yet because I haven't decided if I 
even want to have this surgery. He explained to me that if I don't then I
will definitely die, not "if" but "when" were his words. While that idea
is frightening, I can't help but wonder if it'll be better, ya know? To
just let all this pain come to an end in a peaceful way…Dr. Selzer said 
he will not allow that, but I don't really see how he has any say in what I do. Shane is not talking to me at the moment because I told him that I
didn't think I wanted to go through this surgery, I mean, I totally see
why he's reacting this way…he is absolutely the love of my life. I have
never, ever felt this level of emotion for another human being, but I
feel like he'd be spending his life with a sick, unhealthy woman when he
could be spending it with a healthy woman who can provide him with a baby
or a better life than I can. And I know I'm supposed to do all I can to
make sure I'm around as long as possible for my children, but is it 
better for them to see me in hospitals and hooked up to feeding tubes and
always getting stuck with needles. They haven't even been here to see me since I've been admitted because no one wants them to see me like this.

I suppose if this were due to an illness or an injury out of my control 
then I'd feel differently, but I did this. I reacted to physical and 
emotional pain by using drugs, drinking and burdening my body with so
many different forms of an eating disorder. The ulcers weren't caused by
anything other than my stupid, selfish and ignorant behavior, so why 
should I waste the time of my surgeon, the hospital staff, the operating
room, the nutritionist, the insurance expenses, the feeding pump and 
supplies…doesn't someone else deserve it? What if another person comes 
into the hospital needing MY room, MY doctor, MY medications…

You never really think you'll be presented with a life-saving option for
an illness and you'll actually contemplate whether it's worth it. I feel
ungrateful, but at the same time I feel undeserving. I know that Shane
and my parents and Brandi and Scott think that I'm creating my own pity
party, but I'm really not intending it to be that way. I just want to let
them know that if they look into the future, which Cori would they want?
One who left this world with no more regrets, no more pain, no more aches
and throwing up and medicines; or do they want to see a woman just
existing? I have the opportunity of a lifetime-to be able to reach out
to all the people I've hurt, take back all the terrible things I've said
to them, apologize for being so goddamn spiteful and vengeful. Who gets a
chance like that? 

This is too much. Cori out.


 

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