Journal entry: 9/15/15

It’s been 18 months since my surgery….Jesus, I don’t even know where to begin anymore. I thought that I would have this surgery, bounce back, get back to work and be myself….again. Instead, I am mentally exhausted; some days I don’t know where the day started and where it stopped. I was told that I need to move on from the idea of going back to work anytime soon, which is crushing. I know most working people, myself included, would say “I wish I could not work”…..it’s torture. You feel like you really serve no purpose anymore, if I can’t work then who am I? Why am I here? I get tired just carrying the laundry up the steps. I have so much scar tissue in my abdomen, I can feel it. Each scar, each incision….some of the scars are so tender to the touch. I can’t keep my house as clean as I’d like because I get so tired after light cleaning. I used to be tired, or what I thought was tired, and now I look back and I’m jealous. I want that back, I want to be tired because I was too busy, too many things to do. Now I’m tired from mostly anything….it’s embarrassing. I have so much bone loss that I have to take a medication every 6 months that is typically given to women 65+. I’ve lost bone density?!?! Fantastic. Another thing to add to my already incredibly lengthy medical record. I have no desire to eat anything because there’s a 75% chance I’ll throw it up within minutes. There are no words to describe the feeling of making an amazing dinner, spending an hour or more, plating it for your family…..and then throwing it up….great! I feel like I’ve let Shane down because my social life is non-existent at this point. I get such anxiety about eating out that we choose to just stay home. I was SO active, SO socially busy…..and now I barely get the mail. I’m tired of hearing “Well at least you’re alive” or “At least you’re not so skinny”…..I just wish I could put you in my place for one day….because I feel like people think “Well, it can’t be that bad”, but you can’t possibly imagine what a day in Cori’s body feels like…..

  • Vomit daily….for no reason…
  • Migraines 3-5 times a week..what a joy
  • Back pain…ALLLLLLLLL DAY!
  • Abdominal pain….ALLLLLL DAY!!
  • No feeling of hunger…ever again…
  • No “cravings”….ever again….
  • Bruising from literally ANYTHING….
  • Pills, pills, pills
  • Constipation
  • Or Diarrhea…
  • Panic attacks
  • Low blood pressure
  • Iron Infusions
  • Heart palpitations
  • Malnutrition
  • Dehydration….

I’m exhausted just from listing all that shit.

Cori out

2 thoughts on “18 months….

  1. Oh Cori,
    I do get it. I don’t even know how I stumbled onto your blog. I feel your pain and have experienced much of the same. Your beating it though no matter how hard every day you are. I had my open RNY in 2003, total gastrectomy in 2007 and hernia reapair/penniculectomy in 2010. I have Hypoglycemia with seizures though they now say I have epilepsy. The pain from all the scar tissue and adhesions is bad. My liver is now causing pain and elevated enzymes. Oh how I could go on but I’m sure you get it and I haven’t even mentioned the ptsd, anxiety and childhood and adult traumas. God Bless you and much luck. You are not alone. April

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    1. Thank you so much April!! I’m so sorry you also deal with the terrible after effects of surgery. It’s difficult to handle when I thought having the surgery would make me better…and I know it did in some ways, but I feel like I just picked up a whole new set of issues. I get HORRIBLE hypoglycemia too, my blood sugar has dropped to 28 before, which was so scary. And I hate how it just comes on, no matter what I do to prevent it. The scar tissue can be defeating, most days the pain is so bad I just want to curl up and cry…..UGH!!! I’m glad to know I’m not alone, but I hate that you go through it as well.

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