Journal entry: 9/15/15
It’s been 18 months since my surgery….Jesus, I don’t even know where to begin anymore. I thought that I would have this surgery, bounce back, get back to work and be myself….again. Instead, I am mentally exhausted; some days I don’t know where the day started and where it stopped. I was told that I need to move on from the idea of going back to work anytime soon, which is crushing. I know most working people, myself included, would say “I wish I could not work”…..it’s torture. You feel like you really serve no purpose anymore, if I can’t work then who am I? Why am I here? I get tired just carrying the laundry up the steps. I have so much scar tissue in my abdomen, I can feel it. Each scar, each incision….some of the scars are so tender to the touch. I can’t keep my house as clean as I’d like because I get so tired after light cleaning. I used to be tired, or what I thought was tired, and now I look back and I’m jealous. I want that back, I want to be tired because I was too busy, too many things to do. Now I’m tired from mostly anything….it’s embarrassing. I have so much bone loss that I have to take a medication every 6 months that is typically given to women 65+. I’ve lost bone density?!?! Fantastic. Another thing to add to my already incredibly lengthy medical record. I have no desire to eat anything because there’s a 75% chance I’ll throw it up within minutes. There are no words to describe the feeling of making an amazing dinner, spending an hour or more, plating it for your family…..and then throwing it up….great! I feel like I’ve let Shane down because my social life is non-existent at this point. I get such anxiety about eating out that we choose to just stay home. I was SO active, SO socially busy…..and now I barely get the mail. I’m tired of hearing “Well at least you’re alive” or “At least you’re not so skinny”…..I just wish I could put you in my place for one day….because I feel like people think “Well, it can’t be that bad”, but you can’t possibly imagine what a day in Cori’s body feels like…..
- Vomit daily….for no reason…
- Migraines 3-5 times a week..what a joy
- Back pain…ALLLLLLLLL DAY!
- Abdominal pain….ALLLLLL DAY!!
- No feeling of hunger…ever again…
- No “cravings”….ever again….
- Bruising from literally ANYTHING….
- Pills, pills, pills
- Or Diarrhea…
- Panic attacks
- Low blood pressure
- Iron Infusions
- Heart palpitations
I’m exhausted just from listing all that shit.