Alone and awake….a silent house with a mind loud as hell. I have so many things that I want to say, probably NEED to say, but why rattle the cage? I feel as though I simply just exist with no real purpose, no need to be here; more of an expense really. I cook dinner every night and sit down to eat it, only to throw it up two bites in. I spend hours making these dishes that smell so “chef like”, a little proud of what I’ve made, and I rarely enjoy the end result. It’s like spending all your time building a football team then finding out you can’t watch the games. I never see my husband, he’s always working…..and why? Because of me….because I can’t….because I just exist. I read and hear “It could be so much worse”, “Be glad it’s not cancer”, “Be grateful to be alive”. Well…fuck that, ya know? THIS is my “much worse” and at least cancer has some kind of treatment and I’m alive but….it sounds so shitty and so petty, and maybe it is, but I truly didn’t have the time to think through what having no stomach would really mean, long term. I take Vitamin D every week, 50,000 units, FIFTY THOUSAND!!! And my doctor calls me and says “You’re Vitamin D levels are literally zero”. I inject myself with B12 once a week….blood levels are critically low. I throw up every goddamn, mother-fucking piece of food I put down my surgically formed throat…..AND IT SUCKS! All of it, every day…..every meal I can’t eat, every run-to-the-bathroom-to-vomit, every blood test, every migraine, every pain from the scars and holes marking my body, every tear I hold back so no one asks me what’s wrong, every cancellation because I feel like shit, every Pepto shot, every time I lay on my back and start choking, every insurance appeal because I’m “too young” for this or that, every explanation of all this bullshit every time I go anywhere, every waiter who asks why I didn’t finish my meal, every shitty comment made about me because I cancelled plans, every fucking thing. A pity party? Perhaps. But it’s my fucking party so I’ll bitch and whine if I want to.
Cori out.

One thought on “Here for the Party?

  1. We all only have this one life Sweetheart. Some seem to proceed unscathed, others fight tooth & nail for every morsel of normalcy. Fairness, Justice, Opportunity… they are all only relative to this game of life. We are dealt a hand to play…how, when, how any cards we exchange, etc… these are the choices we get to make. We don’t get to chose the very game itself. I love you with every fiber of my being. I hope you know I would walk through fire for you, my dear daughter.

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