Journal entry: 10/3/2017
Let me make this fucking clear.
You have no idea what goes on in here.
A constant buzz inside my ears, inside my head.
A creature is crawling around, creating a web.
There is not one second in a single fucking day,
where I don’t have the freedom from pain.
I think I could possibly be losing my mind,
or at least the last little part of it that’s mine.
Our little family has been hanging on to some news for a little bit and it’s finally time to inform everyone of our plans, especially since we depart tomorrow, Saturday.
We are moving to Oregon, more specifically (for now) it’s Portland. Our ideal goal is to between Portland and Eugene, out of the hustle & bustle of a city; although Portland only has 650,000 people. Eugene has around 50,000 people and is the home to the University of Oregon, so I’m not sure I can handle annoying college kids all the time either. The coastline is not far from where we’ll be and that will of course be a place we’ll try to remain as close to.
The kids will be staying behind in Indiana with my parents for a little bit until we (me and Shane) can get settled and find a home for us. We have a 1-bedroom apartment we’re sub-leasing at the moment, it’s 1050 sq st and fully furnished, which is what we need since we’re, quite literally, leaving all our belongings behind in Indiana. We’ll be taking our clothes and few personal items that I am not prepared to part with. Everything else will be gone forever from our possessions.
I know this will seem crazy to some people, will seem like I’m a terrible mother to others for leaving my children behind and I’m sure some will be extremely upset at the fact that we’ll be going 2500 miles from the only home I’ve ever know; but at the end of the day…..that’s not my problem. Leaving the kids is probably the toughest choice I’ve had to make throughout this entire process, they are all I’ve ever worked and lived for since they’ve entered my life. However, they are SO incredibly excited and willing to sacrifice some time away from me and Shane in order to start our new life in Oregon.
Why Oregon? I’ve been asked this by my mother many times and I really can’t give a concrete answer. It’s beautiful, it’s serene, it’s peaceful, the ocean is (from what I’ve heard) indescribable, the crime rate is nowhere NEAR what Indianapolis’ rates are and that’s a huge thing to me. I am tired of living in city where I hear gunshots near my home multiple times a week. Before anyone else says “You’re only going there because weed is legal”, I’ll stop you there and explain why that’s one of the most ridiculous comments. I smoke weed here, in an illegal state, every day. While it is legal for both medicinal and recreational use, I assure you that was not at all a factor in our decision. I actually didn’t realize Oregon was a legal state, I knew Washington and California were, but also found out that Illinois, Colorado and Michigan are as well and they’re clearly much closer, so if that were the issue, I could be much closer. Why would I have to move 2500 miles away for something so simple? I wouldn’t, so that ends that.
Jordan and Annabelle have inherited my Wanderlust, my desire to travel and explore. I’ve kept that at bay all of my life, only ever leaving Indiana to move to Georgia for military life. When I first approached Shane and the kids with what I’d been tossing around in my head, the kids both immediately said Oregon, so it almost seemed like fate. I hadn’t mentioned Oregon, I had only asked where they’d like to live if they could choose any place in the USA. I had even considered Mexico for a brief time, but that is a little too “off the grid” for us. And I can’t even count in Spanish……….so that’s out. My sweet Shane has no “ties” to Indiana, he isn’t from here, wasn’t born here, wasn’t raised here…..he is here because of me. He came from Maryland to be with me and the kids so he feels no emotional connection to this state, not like I do.
My entire life has been here and there’s a lot of things I’ll miss but there’s also a lot of things I won’t. With social media there’s no reason to ever feel like I can’t stay “connected” to the people I love here. No one ever comes over to my house now, so really it will be no different. I will miss Friday night football games with those of you that came, the faithful fans of Jordan. Those are special memories and times I enjoyed so much. I will miss my best friend’s Brandi and Michael; you two are my reason for being here as long as I have; but as you know and as I’ve told you, you’re in a new phase of your life that I’m not in anymore. The “little kid” phase, the Kindergarten phase, the field trips and Girl Scouts phase. I wish we could have gone through it at the same time, but unfortunately, we didn’t. And I’m so happy that you guys get to make all those amazing memories with the girls, and I know it’s a cliché thing to say, but it does fly by. Enjoy it.
I’ve been asked if I’m going to Oregon because they allow “legal suicide”…..allowing doctors to medically help you die; I would be lying if I said the thought had never entered my mind, but that is not the reason. Rest assured.
When I had my stomach removed, my small intestines dissected, my esophagus trimmed, my feeding tubes placed….my most painful time emotionally and physically, something changed in me. I have jokingly said that when they removed my stomach they took a piece of my soul, because I am no longer the woman I once was. I am lost. I am broken. It could be because I had the ability to work taken away from me so abruptly and at a young age, it could be because I’ve had to endure too much physical pain, it could be because I’ve been “put under” so many times maybe some brain cells died off in the process, it could be a multitude of things that I don’t expect anyone to ever come close to understanding.
Of course, I have no idea what will in Oregon, we’re standing on a ledge and choosing to jump off and hope for a smooth landing. I feel it is best for us though and that’s what matters to me. If Shane or my children told me they had any reservations or doubts I’d probably give in and stay, but they are all so on-board with this it makes the decision much easier. As some of you know, my relationship with my mom has been strained and I’m hoping that maybe, just maybe, this will be what starts a process of mending that. My brother lives in Florida and I see him, maybe, once a year; so it’s not that I don’t care about him, but he doesn’t affect my daily life so his opinion is only that. Needless to say, he doesn’t have the same good vibes as me, and that’s ok.
Bottom line, people move every day, all the time, all over the world…..we are no different. I have a small immediate family, so it makes it hard to leave only for that reason. I don’t have an extended family that gets together all the time, we’re all just too spread out and in different spaces in time.
Truly, we welcome ANYONE who wants to come and visit, any time. If this gives someone else a reason to come explore the West coast then come on out and we’ll go whale watching or see the many waterfalls or mountains.
Peace and Chicken Grease,